mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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