He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
