tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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