You really coming over, don't trick.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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