everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
