It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Shame - the story of my life.
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