I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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