Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
