ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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