The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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