You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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