dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
