Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
