I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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