There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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