mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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