If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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