I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
