On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
