i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
