Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
