ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
