the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
