I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
