she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
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We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
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You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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