I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
