I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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