He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
ttyl tear gas
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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