WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
