Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
