Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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