Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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