I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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