I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Randomize
