hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So many bounce houses so little time
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
