After last night, I could never be a politician.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
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Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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