Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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