I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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