This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
