pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
