Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
