Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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