It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
