I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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