So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
