That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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