did you get engaged???
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
and you fell through a lawn chair
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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