I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
this hospital has no fireball
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
