Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
