if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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