It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
