Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
