Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Randomize
