i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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